Road to fix speaker volume...

Me: “Ermmm… Cat, can you help me out?”

Cat: “What?”

Me: “… … Ermmm… Can you tell me how to change my mobile’s speaker volume, I do not know how to tune and was having problem listening to what people said clearly.”

As expected, the girls started to laugh.

Cat: “You don’t know how to change it?! Hahahahaha!!! Are you serious? You are a telecommunication engineer and you don’t know how to change the speaker volume? Haahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!! Give me your mobile.”

Me: “Hey, we engineer fix big things, not small puny stuff. Moreover, it is an audio issue, not my scope…”

The girls couldn't’t stop laughing… Cat took my mobile and did something secretly. After that, she passed me back my mobile and called me.

Cat: “Now, try it.”

Me; “God… How did you do it? I have been figuring for almost… Ermmm… Since I got this mobile. You know, I went through all the options and settings, yet I still can’t find it. How did you fix it?”

Cat: “Look, every mobile has this option and is just by the top right side of your handset.”

As I tried in total disbelief…

Me: “Shit… I have been wondering for sometime, what is the button for? I did try pressing the button gazillion times, but it didn’t do any good…”

Cat: “Ahahahahahahahaah~ Ya right! I can still remember you asked me the same question before, like six years ago.”

Me: “Are you sure? Hehehe... Thank you, cat.”

The girls continued to laugh. *cry…*

An end.

"Whats up?" said him.

"Do you wanna catch up for dinner?" I asked.

"... ... ... I don't feel like..." said him softly.

"Well, it is fine. I will see you around, bye." said I politely and ended our conversation.

It is him, my first ever crush.

I did love him many years ago and have always hope the best for him whenever I thought of him. Little that I thought we would meet again, as his baby sister told me that he would be heading back to Thailand early this year. So when I met him after couple of years later on the street of Melbourne, he recognised me and initiated the conversation, I was pretty happy and rather surprised to see him.

That point of time, I was thinking maybe lover not to be, while at least as a friend. Swiftly, we changed numbers and caught up for dinner. However since then, he has always turned me down when I asked him out for dinner, not once, not twice... *Hmmm... For matter of facts, I can't really remember anymore.* Were they intended or unintended? Regardless, the impression I got was simply that he is avoiding me. Thus, I decide to take this to an end.

I drop him a text message, "... Well, I know you feel uncomfortable to meet me as a friend. I will not contact you anymore... For you, all the best. Not hard feelings. :)".

Then, I deleted his number from my phone book without any hesitations.

I need not to please others nor be bothered by others who don't appreciate me. As Shimada Youshichi's Grandmother once said, "Even if there are two to three person dislike you, turn around, there are one hundred million people behind you. " I can't make everyone likes me nor will everyone dislikes me. *smile*

I thought I will feel at least some pinch of pain, but I didn't. Instead, I feel peace in heart and smiling while typing this entry. I guess I have grown so much. I can now better handle relationship, better than the green me I was years ago, months ago or even minutes ago. *smile*

Coming from the radio, "Loving you isn't the right thing to do... ... ... You can go you own way, go your own way..." as Kate sang... *smile*

"... forever in each others arms."

"Are you interested in classical? I have two free tickets, do you want to come with me?", said Winnie.

"Yap, count me in." I promptly took up the offer.

It had been quite some while since my last visit to a classical concert. It is not that I have no more interest, simply because the ticket is often priced over what I am willing to afford. Doing the maths in mind... rent... groceries... transport... eating out... installment... new CD... new jacket... *Arrgghh... Bugger off!* Well, "Possshh!!!" there goes my spending killing off the idea of concert.

As the tickets were gift, we weren't expecting any good seats. Yet to our surprise, the seats were fantastic. We were given seats on the ground floor, seven rows back from the front seats. They are one of the best seats you will want to have. Flipping through the brochures, checking the ticket price... It was "Ahem! Not cheap at all!" and we got it for free. So, we were pretty happy. *smile*

The event is part of Music Viva National Concert Series, with Cheryl Barker, Peter Coleman-Wright and Piers Lane performing. "... The program was chosen carefully to encompass several significant periods in the genre, starting with the seminal contributions of Robert Schumann, Felix Mendelssohn and Hugo Wolf, then weaving through Richard Strauss, Johannes Brahms and Kurt Weil on the path to the world premier of Richard Mills' song cycle..." as written.

I have to say honestly that I wasn't in the concert all time. My mind was flicking in and out every now and then, and sometimes, I did feel bored, especially the first half and the world premiere performance of Mills' Songlines of the Heart's Desire... Not my cupcake.

Until, until I slowly recognised the fragments of Brahms' Piano Pieces, op 119. I could feel that my soul was drawn back to the present, to the concert hall, to my seat, to my body, listening to the melancholy yet gentle and smooth rhythm. Gloomy as it sounded, but I feel calmness and comfort in me.

When I thought that this would be the pace for the remaining pieces, I was amazed by the change. I was swiftly dragged into another dimension, into Weil's music with love, passion, laughter and hope, The Firebrand of Florence. As the couple sang, "... There'll be life, there'll be love, there'll be laughter, forever in each others arms."

I smiled.

I hope someday...

Grats, Jess!

Hello stranger!

Not often that I meet Jessica online. Well... This is actually the first time I see her online and I am quite surprised, especially at this point of time, almost 10pm.

She asks me to sit down and wants to tell me something. I am rather nervous and anxious, cannot wait for the news to break. As she types, "Conrad proposed to me."

At that very moment, I can feel her joy and cannot stop myself from smiling bubbly.

I am so happy for her and I can't remember how many "hugs" that I have typed, only to find her replying, "I will be suffocated in real life" *lol*

As she talks about the proposal, 200 balloons, orchid, rings, sobbing, shaking her hear, speechless... I share her happiness through each and single words she types. I can imagine and understand now when she said, "It was well executed."

I am very HAPPY for you, Jess. *smile*

In touch with the vegetarian me.

I picked up the habit of being a vegetarian once a week, since my days in Europe. For what reasons? For health? For diet? Honestly speaking, I cannot remember anymore and all I can recall now is that the vegetarian me was buried in the closet by myself subconsciously on some day. Again for what reason... *Hmmm...* I think I will blame the meat for being too tasty and seducing. Judging from the inch-thick of dust covering above the closet, it has been ages at least.

However today, the thought of being vegetarian for the day, break through the massive lock and crawl out of the closet. Having say so, I still have no idea how am I going to turn it into action. The fact that I am working in a suburban depot with limited, or should I say almost none food choice does not help. Standing in front of my opened fridge and hoping for a solution, does not help either. The only option I have in my mind, "Let's have a big bowl of muesli and fast for the remaining day!"

Just one of those weird days, waking up from the bed and wanting to do something different. Nonetheless, I do think today being Wesak and the recent earthquake disaster in Sichuan have some influence over it...

Morale was high, yet spirits drain as the stomach starts to groan fiercely. I can feel my saliva drooling down the throat... I am hungry. How can I survive without food? Why am I doing this to myself?

Just when I am considering to wave the big white surrender flag, while not caring about vegetarian or not anymore? Rohan suggests Lentil As Anything... There is a moment of silence in mind. So unusual of him... For the weeks that I have been with him, he has always had tuna sandwich and apple for lunch. Anyhow, I am not interested in finding out why. I am only keen in getting my food. I think somebody has heard me calling, calling for food. *smile* Thank YOU.

I have been hearing Rohan talking about Lentil As Anything for quite some time. It is a not for profit community organisation that operates as a restaurant. They serve nice organic vegetarian food with no price tag. Basically, you can pay what you feel like paying. Most of the staff from various background, refugees, new migrants, people with disabilities... The idea behind is really about providing an opportunity for those who are marginalised to integrate into the main stream. The thing that really gets me is the generosity, kindness and good faith behind the whole thing. It is a rare gem in a world that is so complicated these days...

Soon enough, Rohan and I were already sitting in the restaurant at St Kilda, munching food quietly and sipping the pineapple passion fruit drink.The curries are pretty nice and unique. Laying on the long plate, from the left is a typical Indian dish, cauliflower and potato mild curry, follows by beetroot curry and pumpkin curry, fusion style? The later two dishes are rather sweet type curries. They are pretty nice, especially when eat it with yogurt by the side of the plate. Nevertheless, I still prefer curries being hot, spicy and salty taste like. I am just too used to my Malaysian taste bud. I feel satisfied.

I am happy and delighted with my veggie plan for the day! *smile*

What is for dinner?

Mel, I love you.

Who is it?

In the mirror, an old friend smiling to me...

"
Mel, I love you.

I love you when you smile like an angle.
I love you when you wonder like a kid.
I love you when you cry like a baby.
I love you when you lose like a threadless kite.
I love you when you mad like a goose.
I love you when you grieve like there is no tomorrow.
I love you when you hop like a kagaroo.
I love you when you laugh like a baboon.

I will always by your side.
I will always stand before you.
I will always hold you tight.
I will always carry you.
I will always comfort you.
I will always chafe your cold hands.
I will always lull you to sleep.
I will always love you

I love you regardless.

I love you! I love you! I love you!
"

It is me.

LEAVE ME ALONE!

"The next train leaving from platform 13 is the 4:38pm Sandringham line..."

Swiftly, I rush down the stairs to hop on the train. Am I in a hurry to get back? Am I? I know I am not. The symptoms of irregular chronic heart beats, restless, cold sweaty palms and suffocation tell me that I am not, but something else. I can sense them... Beside the pole? Under the seat? Behind the fat lady with a rainbow umbrella? They are somewhere out there. As unobvious as possible, I sit quietly at a quiet corner, take out the book that I just bought two days ago and start to read silently. Trying hard, trying so hard to keep myself focus on the book.

Out of the sudden, a sickening voice from my back. "Why are you here by yourself?" Loneliness whispers by my left ear.

The next moment, Anxiety utters "Are you waiting for anyone to call?" beside my right ears with his cold hands laying on my shoulder.

Whilst Depression sneak to my right seat, appropriating all my delectation without even asking me for permission and leaves me with literally nothing. I yell mutely, asking him to stop, only to find myself completely ignored. They have slighted my plea for mercy. I got upset and helpless.

"FUCK YOU ALL AND LEAVE ME ALONE!" I tell them off desperately. What I get in return are just their depraved smiles and series of questioning from Loneliness.

He asks "Why are you single for all these while? Why aren't the people returning your calls? Why are you here all by yourself... again? Why are you pretending that you are strong and tough when you are as brittle as a dry match stick? Why are you smiling when there are agonising punctures in your fragile heart? NO ONE WANTS YOU!"

The others respond "Yeah, Lone is right!" with their clapping hands.

Not even a second for me to voice out... I go speechless under his interrogations.

I feel sad...

As I arrive at my stop, I quickly walk out the train and head back home. Gradually, I increase my walking pace. Hoping to get them out of my tail, yet my effort falls apart. These goons are super glue like. They are still here, around me, walking beside me. The only difference now is that they have stopped their harsh words. They watch me panic and murmuring to each others with a wicked smile.

I need you, Positivity. Where are you when I need you the most?

"Om mani padme hum. Om mani padme hum. Om mani padme hum..." I chant in heart, attempting to calm down.

I will change as soon as I arrive and I will head for a jog. I need that...

Prologue

Something is missing in me.

“Do I know which jigsaw is it?” I asked myself... Not once, not twice, but again and again… On the street, in the blanket, at the shower room, under the blue sky and yet, I don’t seem to know or do I?

The morning fragrance of orange jasmine on a beautiful day seemed to explain my puzzle well. The uneasiness and relentless were swiped away as the breeze flew through my soul. Just when I thought I found the missing piece and the smile on my face told me not other wise. On the contrary, I felt myself struggling in the doom of quicksand some days later. Trying so hard not to sink in and keeping my head up to breath in the disappearing air for survival. The tear in eyes simply told me that I was not done with it as yet! The feeling is like walking in the midst of ambiguity, trying to hold on something and not to trip, whilst there is no direction to exit, nor any hints on when this is coming to end. Not to say how all this even started…

Though I know life is good and I should not be complaining, *Alright… My relationship ended sour and was agonising… Fine, big deal!* *Smile* I can fell the unbalance in me and I know I am not that happy.

“I need a change.” I tell myself. I need something refreshing.

I rented a new apartment by Chapel. I began my new rotation at Collins. I took a new jogging path along the Albert Lake line. I read a new book that tells me eat, pray and love. I put a new fragrance that reminds me of happy. I wore a new milky hoodies that makes me comfortable. I dated couple of new guys and my first crush. *Surprise, surprise, surprise~ Story for another time~* *Smile* I bought a new body cream. I experimented a new dish with lemon grass… I am taking baby steps.

Also, I set off a new path with Chamomile Ink.

Finding myself? Don’t I already know myself? Well, how about finding myself who I have not met. *Smile*