Mel, I love you.

Who is it?

In the mirror, an old friend smiling to me...

"
Mel, I love you.

I love you when you smile like an angle.
I love you when you wonder like a kid.
I love you when you cry like a baby.
I love you when you lose like a threadless kite.
I love you when you mad like a goose.
I love you when you grieve like there is no tomorrow.
I love you when you hop like a kagaroo.
I love you when you laugh like a baboon.

I will always by your side.
I will always stand before you.
I will always hold you tight.
I will always carry you.
I will always comfort you.
I will always chafe your cold hands.
I will always lull you to sleep.
I will always love you

I love you regardless.

I love you! I love you! I love you!
"

It is me.

LEAVE ME ALONE!

"The next train leaving from platform 13 is the 4:38pm Sandringham line..."

Swiftly, I rush down the stairs to hop on the train. Am I in a hurry to get back? Am I? I know I am not. The symptoms of irregular chronic heart beats, restless, cold sweaty palms and suffocation tell me that I am not, but something else. I can sense them... Beside the pole? Under the seat? Behind the fat lady with a rainbow umbrella? They are somewhere out there. As unobvious as possible, I sit quietly at a quiet corner, take out the book that I just bought two days ago and start to read silently. Trying hard, trying so hard to keep myself focus on the book.

Out of the sudden, a sickening voice from my back. "Why are you here by yourself?" Loneliness whispers by my left ear.

The next moment, Anxiety utters "Are you waiting for anyone to call?" beside my right ears with his cold hands laying on my shoulder.

Whilst Depression sneak to my right seat, appropriating all my delectation without even asking me for permission and leaves me with literally nothing. I yell mutely, asking him to stop, only to find myself completely ignored. They have slighted my plea for mercy. I got upset and helpless.

"FUCK YOU ALL AND LEAVE ME ALONE!" I tell them off desperately. What I get in return are just their depraved smiles and series of questioning from Loneliness.

He asks "Why are you single for all these while? Why aren't the people returning your calls? Why are you here all by yourself... again? Why are you pretending that you are strong and tough when you are as brittle as a dry match stick? Why are you smiling when there are agonising punctures in your fragile heart? NO ONE WANTS YOU!"

The others respond "Yeah, Lone is right!" with their clapping hands.

Not even a second for me to voice out... I go speechless under his interrogations.

I feel sad...

As I arrive at my stop, I quickly walk out the train and head back home. Gradually, I increase my walking pace. Hoping to get them out of my tail, yet my effort falls apart. These goons are super glue like. They are still here, around me, walking beside me. The only difference now is that they have stopped their harsh words. They watch me panic and murmuring to each others with a wicked smile.

I need you, Positivity. Where are you when I need you the most?

"Om mani padme hum. Om mani padme hum. Om mani padme hum..." I chant in heart, attempting to calm down.

I will change as soon as I arrive and I will head for a jog. I need that...

Prologue

Something is missing in me.

“Do I know which jigsaw is it?” I asked myself... Not once, not twice, but again and again… On the street, in the blanket, at the shower room, under the blue sky and yet, I don’t seem to know or do I?

The morning fragrance of orange jasmine on a beautiful day seemed to explain my puzzle well. The uneasiness and relentless were swiped away as the breeze flew through my soul. Just when I thought I found the missing piece and the smile on my face told me not other wise. On the contrary, I felt myself struggling in the doom of quicksand some days later. Trying so hard not to sink in and keeping my head up to breath in the disappearing air for survival. The tear in eyes simply told me that I was not done with it as yet! The feeling is like walking in the midst of ambiguity, trying to hold on something and not to trip, whilst there is no direction to exit, nor any hints on when this is coming to end. Not to say how all this even started…

Though I know life is good and I should not be complaining, *Alright… My relationship ended sour and was agonising… Fine, big deal!* *Smile* I can fell the unbalance in me and I know I am not that happy.

“I need a change.” I tell myself. I need something refreshing.

I rented a new apartment by Chapel. I began my new rotation at Collins. I took a new jogging path along the Albert Lake line. I read a new book that tells me eat, pray and love. I put a new fragrance that reminds me of happy. I wore a new milky hoodies that makes me comfortable. I dated couple of new guys and my first crush. *Surprise, surprise, surprise~ Story for another time~* *Smile* I bought a new body cream. I experimented a new dish with lemon grass… I am taking baby steps.

Also, I set off a new path with Chamomile Ink.

Finding myself? Don’t I already know myself? Well, how about finding myself who I have not met. *Smile*